Coming To Terms

I have spent the last couple of months wondering about in a desert looking for answers to my God problem in all the wrong places. I have been to different churches looking for something without knowing what I was looking for.

But something strange happened to me at school today. I was in the Christian room hanging out when they started a Bible study and naturally I sat in on it. The guy leading the Bible study asked us what we thought church was and what we think others think about church. My answer to question one was group of believers with my answer to the second question was hypocritical. I've experienced both sides so these answers came to me rather easily.

According to Jesus the church is a group of believers, not a building or place of worship. He tells us that in Colossians when he states that he is the head of the body, the church. We sometimes mistake the Senior Pastor as the leader of the church but he is just the person granted power to speak to people on God's behalf. Anything and everything he says should be straight from the Bible and nothing more or nothing less. Speaking of which, I want to give a shout out of congratulations to John Richter, the new Senior Pastor at St. John's.

I have had the problem of feeling so lonely at times and looking for it in the church, the body. I have been looking for a church where I am such a part of everything that is going on that if I am not there then they will miss me. They will take time out of their day to send me a text to see if I am alright. But I am finally coming to terms that will never happen no matter what church I go to. I am simply not that important to the church body and it is alright. I do not need people who care enough about me to text me when I miss a Sunday of church because if I am right in my relationship with God then my priorities will be in the right place.

From now on when I start feeling the loneliness come on I need to just remember that I do not need the approval and acceptance of people if I have the approval and acceptance of God. There are enough people at St. John's that do know me and a couple who really do care about me and things will be alright. St. John's, here I come, back where I belong.

I Just Don't Understand This

I just don't understand what I keep doing wrong. I'm great at making friends but terrible at keeping them. Seems like I'm always doing something that causes people to just up and abandon me. Trying to get someone to respond to a text or Facebook message is nearly impossible at times. I realize people are living their lives but it only takes five seconds to respond to a text with hey.

Also I seem to do a good job of getting people to block me on Facebook. There are many times where I think I would be much happier if I didn't have a Facebook page and didn't know what everyone was doing. I know for sure that no one would miss me. With the way people treat and abuse my kindness that is a given. Guess I'll end this post now.

My New Friend

On Sunday I met a new girl on the dating site Christian Mingle and we have become fast friends. In order to tell about her and to protect her privacy we'll call my new friend Misty.

Misty told me on Tuesday about a disorder that she has been battling since she was about 13. She has the eating disorder bulimia. Now I know absolutely nothing about the disease but she has a blog and on one of her posts she explains what bulimia is:

Bulimia Nervosa.
      :a serious eating disorder that occurs chiefly in females, is characterized by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting or laxative or diuretic abuse, and is often accompanied by

                   guilt and depression

This is the Webster’s definition of bulimia. For  someone who has never had this struggle, that is a good base definition.

Here's the link to her blog if you're interested in learning more about her struggle.

Reading that blog and talking to her and having her explain to me the battle she is up against just rips my heart out. No one should have to go through that kind of pain.

I want to have a serious relationship with her but that is simply not possible right now because she has too much going on right now. It is very understandable that she is in no position mentally to handle a serious relationship while she wages war on this disorder she has named Ed. I respect her wishes and boundaries and will be a friend to her. She needs a real friend to offer her support and encouragement right now and I am going to do everything I can to be that friend.

All I ask from you right now is to pray for her. Pray that she is able to get the help she needs to defeat Ed. That's the important thing right now.

I Just Don't Understand

I just don't understand why people overreact to such innocent things. What is it with this world that something that means absolutely nothing is taken absolutely the wrong way and people have to get hurt from it and experience great pain and disappointment.

Seriously, I just do not understand. I posted something so innocent and yet Derek Dale and the rest of the important people at Daystar completely overreacted for no reason. Yes I am 27 and I called a 12 year old girl beautiful. Big freaking deal! But because of that I can no longer serve on Wednesday nights, service with KPC or attend Motion. What kind of ridiculous crap is this? I could understand their issue if I had called her sexy or something else along those lines but not beautiful. Just a basic compliment that meant absolutely nothing other than me just being me, nice and caring.

Why in the world do I have to be so nice and caring. I had just finished telling someone the other day that I am too nice at times and it gets me in trouble. This is exactly what I was talking about. Because I am too nice and caring I am now experiencing great pain and can no longer do the things I love to do or that I am good at. The only thing I am good at. The reason I am going to school.

What kind of fool must I be to think I can be a school teacher if I can't even make it two months serving in a role working with kids in a church? Whatever. Guess I'm going to have to change my major to something else but just looking at the programs out there and there's nothing I'm passionate about like I am about working with kids. God strike me down right now. I'm tired of experiencing this kind of pain every few months because I apparently do not know how to handle relationships with others without crossing that invisible line between being caring and being too close.

I'm Moving Forward

I am at a loss for words to describe how God is moving in my life right now. He is showing me his glory right now and I cannot get enough. He is letting me experience him in unbelievable ways right now.

In the past couple of weeks I have attended Daystar for two Sunday's and two Wednesday's and all I can say is WOW! He is moving on in me right now. From Jerry Lawson to Derek Dale to Ben Murray to Dan Watson and many, many, others, God is working miracles and making his presence known. I am so incredibly blessed to be at Daystar right now and experiencing such incredibly glory.

Now don't get me wrong, I have been very blessed in my time at St. John's. Pastor Bob, John Richter, Steve Wood and Ben Karwoski and many others have just been incredible to me. I love them for all that they are and everything they stand for and represent, but I just feel like right now my time to experience God's full presence and glory and to continue to grow in my walk and go where he is leading me I must become a member at Daystar and become a part of a new Dream Team. I will miss them all and many others that I cannot name here or I would never get to the end of this post.

Thank you God for leading me to Daystar right now and letting me experience you in new ways. Thank you for giving me the guidance necessary to be receptive to you and your ways and the courage to step out on faith in this next step of my walk with you.

My Big Decision

I feel like I have a great decision lying in front of me. I feel like God could possibly be leading me in different direction than the one I've been on for the past two years. God opened to me a new door in March of 2012 when he introduced me to St. John's church.

It was definitely where I was supposed to be at that time. Lots of healing took place in my life and my walk with Christ was renewed. I met lots of incredible new people that have become very important to me. Some have become real close companions. People that I am forever grateful to for everything they have done for me.

Now I feel like it may be time for me to make another move. The past Sunday I attended Daystar so I could spend some time with some different close friends in my life. But I experienced God in a new way. It was not the first time I had attended Daystar but it was indeed the first time I had experienced God's presence at Daystar. It was the first time I felt like I belonged. Even though you could count on one hand the number of people that I knew it just felt right.

Last night I attended Daystar on a Wednesday night for the first time. Incredible! Absolutely touching! Words are not enough. God is definitely doing something special at Daystar. I have experienced it and want to experience it more. I think God is pulling me in that direction. This is a big decision that I have to make. I need God's guidance in making this decision of where my church membership should be at. So please pray for me to make the right decision.

Children Are A Blessing

Children are such a blessing from God! I love the way I am wired. I love the way being around and interacting with children makes me feel. The incredible joy I get from them. I am at a loss of words to describe my joy!

God has planned deep within me a desire to be a blessing in the lives of children. It is why I am taking this road he has provided me with that will eventually lead me to being an elementary school teacher.

Yes I have struggles in knowing that I still have a long road ahead of me to get to where I want to receive the fruit of this seed he has planted within me, but as long as I keep my focus on Him in this whole journey, I will realize a dream.

I also have another dream to one day become a parent. I mean God has already blessed me two the names for two girls that I want to be a father to, Rilee Chastin Bliss and Alexa Baylee Bliss. It is completely crazy that I even have these names in my head right now considering I still have yet to meet the beautiful, Godly woman God has waiting for me.

Producing Good Fruit

I really don't know what I'm doing right now. What are God's plans for my life? Why am I here? Why am I experiencing this heartache and pain? The loneliness of being single and feeling completely unloved? Have you ever wanted something so bad that it literally tears at your very soul? It has actually brought me to tears.

I see what other people have and I just want that for myself. I pray to God for it and he just keeps that door slammed shut. I wonder what he's waiting on. Why is there all this waiting? Time. Time is an evil word to me right now. I hate it. I don't like being told to wait on God's timing because God's timing isn't right now. It hasn't been right now for such a long time I feel like he will never say yes.

The really sad part to me is that no one understands my pain. No one understands why I want this so bad. I really wish someone would understand the pain and emptiness I feel right now. An emptiness that not even God is filling. I've tried and failed miserably to fill that emptiness on my own and that leads to nothing but self destruction. I promise you, learn from my mistakes, there is absolutely nothing you can do and have that can fill that loneliness. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. God has to fill it, but that requires you pursing him will all of your heart and soul. You can't haphazardly pursue God, because that just doesn't work. It's either all or nothing.

Maybe eventually God will open that door for me. I attended Daystar church today and Jerry Lawson was preaching on this very issue today. About how we try to fill our life with jobs, money, cars, personal rewards, but all that means nothing if it's not Godly fruit. I want to have Godly fruit coming out in my life. I want to know what it feels like to have God pouring out of me and for others to see it and recognize it for what it is, God.

I'm guessing that's what God is waiting on. He's waiting on me to get to that point, then he will open up all these other doors such as jobs, relationships, happiness and joy. So I ask you tonight, pray for me to find my way to the point where God completely consumes me and I produce Godly fruit. The good fruit.