I'm no good for anyone or anything. There is nothing good in me or about me. The whole world would be better off if I weren't around. That's the honest truth. I don't know why I even care and attempt to make friends. I have a past and nobody will ever give me a fair chance. I try to be honest and own up to my mistakes and hope people will be able to see past that and give me a chance but it never happens. Once people find out about my past that's it. It's the end of the deal. I would kill to have one of those personalities where I could just not give a damn and be fine with having no life and no friends. But I'm not wired that way. God made me into a person that cares about everyone and wants everyone to like me. I crave love and acceptance and I don't get that from anyone. Everyone always leaves and abandons me because that's me. God gave me the worst possible personality for someone with the past I have. I don't get second chances and now I don't even get first chances. I'm sorry, I'm so deeply sorry that I'm such a piece of shit person and I'm impossible to love. I'm going to die old and alone with no one or anything all because of my past. Peace out.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 9, 2024
Saturday, April 6, 2019
Seek The Kingdom Of God
What does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God? I honestly have no clue!! Matthew 6: 31-33 tells us to seek the kingdom of God and all our needs will be taken care of.
I have such a difficult time with this because God isn't physical. God is spiritual and I struggle greatly to even begin to comprehend that. I do not even know where to begin to get an understanding of the difference between being a physical begin and being a spiritual being.
People have told me countless times that all the things I seek in life will be satisfied if I just pursue God and trust him. That if I just let go of everything I seek and turn it over to God I will be fulfilled. How? How in the world does that even work? How can a spiritual God fulfill my physical human needs and desires? How can I possibly get the love, peace, strength, wisdow, comfort, and everything else I desire from a spiritual God when I cannot even figure out how to seperate myself from my physical needs and desires? It doesn't make any sense to me that God can do that because God isn't a physical God. He is a spiritual God. I'm never going to be able to go to God and get a hug or a pat on the back or hear I love you or good job or anything else from him. It's just not going to happen in a physical sense. It all happens in a spiritual sense.
Nothing more would please me than to reach that place of understanding where I have that peace, love, comfort, strength, wisdow, and everything else that comes from having a relationship with God and trusting him and knowing full well that he truly does satisfy and fulfill every single need and desire I have on this earth. That no matter how hard it is to not have the physical needs and desires met that I am still ok because my soul is taken care of. I would love to be able to sing it is well with my soul and truly mean it because I have finally obtained the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I guess I should be thankful that somewhere within me I've got this desire to keep seeking and trying to find answers and ultimately reach that place where one day I can live the life that God has promised me.
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
~~~Matthew 6: 31-33
I have such a difficult time with this because God isn't physical. God is spiritual and I struggle greatly to even begin to comprehend that. I do not even know where to begin to get an understanding of the difference between being a physical begin and being a spiritual being.
People have told me countless times that all the things I seek in life will be satisfied if I just pursue God and trust him. That if I just let go of everything I seek and turn it over to God I will be fulfilled. How? How in the world does that even work? How can a spiritual God fulfill my physical human needs and desires? How can I possibly get the love, peace, strength, wisdow, comfort, and everything else I desire from a spiritual God when I cannot even figure out how to seperate myself from my physical needs and desires? It doesn't make any sense to me that God can do that because God isn't a physical God. He is a spiritual God. I'm never going to be able to go to God and get a hug or a pat on the back or hear I love you or good job or anything else from him. It's just not going to happen in a physical sense. It all happens in a spiritual sense.
I guess I should be thankful that somewhere within me I've got this desire to keep seeking and trying to find answers and ultimately reach that place where one day I can live the life that God has promised me.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Coming Clean
In my last post I explained that I finally realize what it means to fully surrender but I didn't give a battle plan on how to fully surrender. As I said previously, to fully surrender you must first come clean of any deep dark secrets that may be haunting you. Those chains of past hurts, mistakes, decisions we've done, both intentionally and unintentionally.
So here it is, I'm finally coming clean. As a child I was sexually abused. There's no need for details because it's all in God's hands now, but I have never told that to anyone before expect a couple of very close and important people that have truly shown me what it means for God to love us unconditionally. Sadly my story doesn't end there, a few years after this happened to me I in turn did the same thing to a couple of younger kids. I was just curious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. My thinking of right from wrong had been warped to believe that this was a natural part of growing up. That those older than you look and touch you because they're curious and then you in turn pass that along. But I realize that is not right. It's wrong and I have lived in fear of ever admitting that to anyone. I've lived in my own prison for nearly 20 years.
I have tried many times in the past to surrender my life to Christ but I was never fully surrendering because I refused to give up these chains of my past because I never wanted to admit that they happened. I lived a life of denial. I closed off that part of my life from anyone including myself, but most importantly God. It is now out in the open and I now fully surrender my life to Christ. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy on my soul.
You now know my life story, the question now is what will you do with it? Will you love me or hate me? That decision is yours. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and let go of it. God has set me free from these chains. For the first time in my life I finally have freedom. Praise God that Jesus died so we don't have to live with chains like this. That we can finally have a real life. I've finally got a peace that I have longed denied myself because I let fear control me. But when you allow God to put the right people in your life to lead you to freedom and you trust Him anything is possible! I trust you Lord!
So here it is, I'm finally coming clean. As a child I was sexually abused. There's no need for details because it's all in God's hands now, but I have never told that to anyone before expect a couple of very close and important people that have truly shown me what it means for God to love us unconditionally. Sadly my story doesn't end there, a few years after this happened to me I in turn did the same thing to a couple of younger kids. I was just curious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. My thinking of right from wrong had been warped to believe that this was a natural part of growing up. That those older than you look and touch you because they're curious and then you in turn pass that along. But I realize that is not right. It's wrong and I have lived in fear of ever admitting that to anyone. I've lived in my own prison for nearly 20 years.
I have tried many times in the past to surrender my life to Christ but I was never fully surrendering because I refused to give up these chains of my past because I never wanted to admit that they happened. I lived a life of denial. I closed off that part of my life from anyone including myself, but most importantly God. It is now out in the open and I now fully surrender my life to Christ. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy on my soul.
You now know my life story, the question now is what will you do with it? Will you love me or hate me? That decision is yours. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and let go of it. God has set me free from these chains. For the first time in my life I finally have freedom. Praise God that Jesus died so we don't have to live with chains like this. That we can finally have a real life. I've finally got a peace that I have longed denied myself because I let fear control me. But when you allow God to put the right people in your life to lead you to freedom and you trust Him anything is possible! I trust you Lord!
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
What Does It Mean To Fully Surrender?
First off, before I even start with this post, I need to issue an apology to all of those that I have offended in recent weeks for some of the things I have said regarding God. I know I have offended many even if only a few have had the courage to actually tell me. I do sincerely apologize for that. My intentions were certainly not to offend.
Now that we've got that out of the way, onto our regularly scheduled program. What does it mean to fully surrender? That's a question I've been wrestling with for a long time, especially when so many ask me if I've done that. I become frustrated by it and take offense to it.
Of course I've fully surrendered my life to God I say. Why else do I go to church and claim to be a believer and follower of God? But when you take the time to finally hash out what fully surrender looks like, when your friend Seth keeps you standing in the parking lot for over an hour after church, then you get to learn that maybe I've never fully surrender my life to Christ.
People are like onions, each layer needs to be peeled back to get to the root of who that person really is. Sometimes peeling away those layers is uncomfortable and painful. Opening up and making yourself vulnerable to people isn't easy, but it's a necessary process if we are to grow and become the person God wants us to be. We have to be willing to open up our true self to our brothers and sisters in Christ. That's the only way to grow in our personal relationship to God. As long as we hold onto our deep dark secrets we will never fully surrender our life to God.
Now that I know what it means to fully surrender, I need to do it. Knowing is only half the battle. The other half is actually living that out. Choosing to fully surrender, knowing that I have made myself available for God to use me to do his work.
An old wise man once said, in order to find yourself you must first lose yourself. That wise man was Wilson from Home Improvement. LOL! Sorry but I just had to throw that in for a laugh. I've always been a big Tim Allen fan. But in all seriousness, Jesus tells us that very thing in Matthew 16:24-26.
That rings true to us today. We need to take up our cross daily and make God the center focus of our life. That is what it means to fully surrender. I need to do that. I need to allow God in. I need to make myself vulnerable to the group of people that God has surrounded me with. Let God use them to make me the man he wants me to be and that starts now.
Now that we've got that out of the way, onto our regularly scheduled program. What does it mean to fully surrender? That's a question I've been wrestling with for a long time, especially when so many ask me if I've done that. I become frustrated by it and take offense to it.
Of course I've fully surrendered my life to God I say. Why else do I go to church and claim to be a believer and follower of God? But when you take the time to finally hash out what fully surrender looks like, when your friend Seth keeps you standing in the parking lot for over an hour after church, then you get to learn that maybe I've never fully surrender my life to Christ.
People are like onions, each layer needs to be peeled back to get to the root of who that person really is. Sometimes peeling away those layers is uncomfortable and painful. Opening up and making yourself vulnerable to people isn't easy, but it's a necessary process if we are to grow and become the person God wants us to be. We have to be willing to open up our true self to our brothers and sisters in Christ. That's the only way to grow in our personal relationship to God. As long as we hold onto our deep dark secrets we will never fully surrender our life to God.
Now that I know what it means to fully surrender, I need to do it. Knowing is only half the battle. The other half is actually living that out. Choosing to fully surrender, knowing that I have made myself available for God to use me to do his work.
An old wise man once said, in order to find yourself you must first lose yourself. That wise man was Wilson from Home Improvement. LOL! Sorry but I just had to throw that in for a laugh. I've always been a big Tim Allen fan. But in all seriousness, Jesus tells us that very thing in Matthew 16:24-26.
Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
~~~Matthew 16: 24-26
That rings true to us today. We need to take up our cross daily and make God the center focus of our life. That is what it means to fully surrender. I need to do that. I need to allow God in. I need to make myself vulnerable to the group of people that God has surrounded me with. Let God use them to make me the man he wants me to be and that starts now.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Learning To Let Go
I think learning to let go is something that everyone struggles with at different times throughout their lives. Humans in general are creatures of habit who hate change and I know that definitely describes me.
We tend to just want to hang onto that someone or something that we're comfortable with no matter how much damage it does to us just because we're opposed to change. I am struggling with that myself in getting over Brittany and what we had together. I keep finding myself drawn back to her and ignoring all the negative things there was about the relationship we had. A relationship that was purely deadly because it lacked the most important thing you need in a relationship, God.
God gives us free will to make our own decisions but if you are truly saved and truly a person of faith, then you should want to do what God says and cling to Him in these times. There is a reason that relationship ended. It is because God has better for you. God will never deny you what is good and just.
I have learned that when we cling to these old relationships or things we are saying that we do not trust God. All of our hope, faith, and trust should be in God and God alone. Nothing else.
I once heard someone say that "faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." That applies right now in this situation and all situations. Take the first step. Put your entire hope, faith, and trust in our LORD Jesus Christ!! He is the one and only Savior!!
We tend to just want to hang onto that someone or something that we're comfortable with no matter how much damage it does to us just because we're opposed to change. I am struggling with that myself in getting over Brittany and what we had together. I keep finding myself drawn back to her and ignoring all the negative things there was about the relationship we had. A relationship that was purely deadly because it lacked the most important thing you need in a relationship, God.
God gives us free will to make our own decisions but if you are truly saved and truly a person of faith, then you should want to do what God says and cling to Him in these times. There is a reason that relationship ended. It is because God has better for you. God will never deny you what is good and just.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously,
and he will give you everything you need.
~~~Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
I have learned that when we cling to these old relationships or things we are saying that we do not trust God. All of our hope, faith, and trust should be in God and God alone. Nothing else.
I once heard someone say that "faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." That applies right now in this situation and all situations. Take the first step. Put your entire hope, faith, and trust in our LORD Jesus Christ!! He is the one and only Savior!!
Monday, January 25, 2016
I Won't Give Up
This is kind of building on my previous post, but I won't give up. I won't give up on you. I won't give up on me. I won't give up on us. That is what God says to us. No matter what happens to us God is always right there with us.
Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,
"I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."
~~~Hebrews 13:5 (NLT)
We endure trials all the time in our Christian walk. But we also endure trials when it comes to our home life of our spouse, kids, job, finances, ect.
One of the hardest things I deal with is seeing a friendship or different kind of relationship with a person end. I am such a fighter when it comes to trying to keep friendships or relationships because I am so loyal. It's a part of my personality. I don't want to let friendships or other relationships die because I am so resistant to change.
But I am slowly learning that maybe some some friendships or relationships ending is all a part of God's master plan. That while certain friendships are great in that they have helped me grow, that season has passed and it's time to let go. I believe that God gives us these friendships and relationships with people to help us grow closer to him and that when it's time for us to move it means having to say goodbye to those friendships or relationships because we're no longer growing closer to God. You're either growing closer to God are backsliding away from him. You're never just staying in one place in your relationship with God.
The song 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz describes how we should fight for our relationships with our spouses. That no matter what happens that we should always keep the faith. The same applies to our relationship with God. That no matter what happens in our relationship with him we should always stay strong in our faith and not be discouraged.
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your
way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that
when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed,
you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
~~~James 1:2-4 (NLT)
So brothers and sisters in Christ, remember that your trials are a chance to grow your faith in God. Don't be discouraged over them and don't turn away from God during the hard times that will come upon you, but lean on his understanding and boost in his comfort.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
To My Future Wife
One of the many desires I have in my heart is to have a wife and children. In fact I even had a dream just a couple of nights ago about being the father to a young boy about 4 or 5 years old named Daniel. It was just a dream but it is one of the best dreams I have ever had because I was so filled with joy beyond belief. Now I don't know if that dream means anything or not but it just reinforces the desires I have to have my own family.
I do dream of what you will look like, what your voice sounds like, what your passions are. I wish I had you right now but I know that God's timing is perfect. If you're reading this, until the day that I get to meet you, I leave you with this song that I just absolutely love to the point of wishing I could sing it to you right now.
I have tried to do it on my own in my own way and that simply doesn't work. I knew deep down I was doing things the wrong way but still kept doing it because I was satisfied in just having a girlfriend and made her the number one priority of my life. But things don't work that way.
God needs to be the number one priority of my life. If God is the center of my desires everything else will be blessed upon me. Its actually a blessing that I got to experience the failed relationship I just had without God in it. It allowed me to learn so much about myself. It made me realize that I am completely nothing without God. I have given my life to God and turned to him to guide me. He is now my number one.
I am writing this to my future wife, the one I know God has in store for me. I know you are out there somewhere and I am working to make myself the man that God needs me to be in order to be the kind of husband and father that God has called me to be.
I don't know where you are in this world right now but I know that you are out there somewhere. I know God is preparing you to be the kind of wife I need in my life. I truly want to be able to love you like Christ loves us. I want to be able to love our future children like God wants us too.
I am praying for you! I am praying for you and know that you're also praying for me as well.
"This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
~~~Joshua 1:9
I'm praying for you to have courage, peace, protection, prosperity and a purpose. I am also praying that over our future children. I know that you're praying for the same things because you're a Godly woman.
God bless you right now! God bless you forever!
Sunday, January 17, 2016
My New Life
It's been a long time since I wrote but here I am back again. I hope to bring you encouragement by reading this post. If just one person is encouraged then glory be to God.
Jeremiah 29:11 is one of the most popular Bible verses around.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for
good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
That tells us that God is looking out for us. He wants us to prosper. He has our best interests at heart. I know it's really hard to believe at times because we can only see the pain and hurt of the moment we are in.
That is exactly how I felt on January 4th. My girlfriend Brittany left me after nearly a year. We had gotten together January 31st of 2015. I was completely devastated and did not want to live anymore. She was the first serious relationship of my life and it was a total shock when she broke up with me.
Surprisingly I never told her about this blog and I usually tell everyone about it. I'm kinda glad I didn't now because there's no memories of her associated with this blog.
In hindsight I should have seen it coming. Why? Well because we had a Godless relationship. She was kinda Godly when I met her but I totally turned her away from God because of my selfishness. I stopped doing the things I needed to do to keep her. I quit my job, I stopped loving her the way I needed to.
That all happened because I wasn't doing things God's way. That's the beauty of God. He'll let us go our own way for a while but then he'll shake us up and say no more. It's either my way or the highway. That is what happened to me. Brittany leaving me was the wake up call I needed to realize just how messed up I am. He broke me.
So after a night of crying my eyes out and only getting a few hours of sleep I went to her how to beg and plead with her to give me one more chance. To explain to her that I was a changed person. Yes a truly believe a person can change certain parts of who they are just like that and I had. But she was having none of it so on my back home I ended up at West Point First Baptist Church.
I honestly have no idea how I ended up there other than God was driving my car and I was the passenger. But it was exactly where I needed to be. Pastor Phillip and Student Pastor Todd talked to me and got me to truly understand exactly what it meant to accept God as the Lord of my life. So that morning I did and today I was baptized in front of the church!
It is amazing how I thought one of the worst things that has ever happened to me has been used by God to turn my life upside down for the better. Now that doesn't mean I have it all together. I don't. I don't know where He is leading my life. But I do know that I now have a calm, a peace, about me that I didn't have before.
That doesn't mean that I don't have a weak moments anymore where I sit or lay in bed and think about Brittany for a few minutes wishing I had the chance to hold her one more time and tell her just how much I love her. But those moments are diminishing because God is slowly healing my heart and building a relationship with him that is everlasting.
So I leave you with this, no matter where you are in your life, God is always working for your good and to bring glory to His kingdom. Even when you don't think He cares He will rock your world. He will bring you to your knees. Because His way is better. His plans are better than our plans. I leave you with another one of my favorite verses.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
~~~Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
Monday, August 25, 2014
Coming To Terms
I have spent the last couple of months wondering about in a desert looking for answers to my God problem in all the wrong places. I have been to different churches looking for something without knowing what I was looking for.
But something strange happened to me at school today. I was in the Christian room hanging out when they started a Bible study and naturally I sat in on it. The guy leading the Bible study asked us what we thought church was and what we think others think about church. My answer to question one was group of believers with my answer to the second question was hypocritical. I've experienced both sides so these answers came to me rather easily.
According to Jesus the church is a group of believers, not a building or place of worship. He tells us that in Colossians when he states that he is the head of the body, the church. We sometimes mistake the Senior Pastor as the leader of the church but he is just the person granted power to speak to people on God's behalf. Anything and everything he says should be straight from the Bible and nothing more or nothing less. Speaking of which, I want to give a shout out of congratulations to John Richter, the new Senior Pastor at St. John's.
I have had the problem of feeling so lonely at times and looking for it in the church, the body. I have been looking for a church where I am such a part of everything that is going on that if I am not there then they will miss me. They will take time out of their day to send me a text to see if I am alright. But I am finally coming to terms that will never happen no matter what church I go to. I am simply not that important to the church body and it is alright. I do not need people who care enough about me to text me when I miss a Sunday of church because if I am right in my relationship with God then my priorities will be in the right place.
From now on when I start feeling the loneliness come on I need to just remember that I do not need the approval and acceptance of people if I have the approval and acceptance of God. There are enough people at St. John's that do know me and a couple who really do care about me and things will be alright. St. John's, here I come, back where I belong.
But something strange happened to me at school today. I was in the Christian room hanging out when they started a Bible study and naturally I sat in on it. The guy leading the Bible study asked us what we thought church was and what we think others think about church. My answer to question one was group of believers with my answer to the second question was hypocritical. I've experienced both sides so these answers came to me rather easily.
According to Jesus the church is a group of believers, not a building or place of worship. He tells us that in Colossians when he states that he is the head of the body, the church. We sometimes mistake the Senior Pastor as the leader of the church but he is just the person granted power to speak to people on God's behalf. Anything and everything he says should be straight from the Bible and nothing more or nothing less. Speaking of which, I want to give a shout out of congratulations to John Richter, the new Senior Pastor at St. John's.
I have had the problem of feeling so lonely at times and looking for it in the church, the body. I have been looking for a church where I am such a part of everything that is going on that if I am not there then they will miss me. They will take time out of their day to send me a text to see if I am alright. But I am finally coming to terms that will never happen no matter what church I go to. I am simply not that important to the church body and it is alright. I do not need people who care enough about me to text me when I miss a Sunday of church because if I am right in my relationship with God then my priorities will be in the right place.
From now on when I start feeling the loneliness come on I need to just remember that I do not need the approval and acceptance of people if I have the approval and acceptance of God. There are enough people at St. John's that do know me and a couple who really do care about me and things will be alright. St. John's, here I come, back where I belong.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
I Just Don't Understand
I just don't understand why people overreact to such innocent things. What is it with this world that something that means absolutely nothing is taken absolutely the wrong way and people have to get hurt from it and experience great pain and disappointment.
Seriously, I just do not understand. I posted something so innocent and yet Derek Dale and the rest of the important people at Daystar completely overreacted for no reason. Yes I am 27 and I called a 12 year old girl beautiful. Big freaking deal! But because of that I can no longer serve on Wednesday nights, service with KPC or attend Motion. What kind of ridiculous crap is this? I could understand their issue if I had called her sexy or something else along those lines but not beautiful. Just a basic compliment that meant absolutely nothing other than me just being me, nice and caring.
Why in the world do I have to be so nice and caring. I had just finished telling someone the other day that I am too nice at times and it gets me in trouble. This is exactly what I was talking about. Because I am too nice and caring I am now experiencing great pain and can no longer do the things I love to do or that I am good at. The only thing I am good at. The reason I am going to school.
What kind of fool must I be to think I can be a school teacher if I can't even make it two months serving in a role working with kids in a church? Whatever. Guess I'm going to have to change my major to something else but just looking at the programs out there and there's nothing I'm passionate about like I am about working with kids. God strike me down right now. I'm tired of experiencing this kind of pain every few months because I apparently do not know how to handle relationships with others without crossing that invisible line between being caring and being too close.
Seriously, I just do not understand. I posted something so innocent and yet Derek Dale and the rest of the important people at Daystar completely overreacted for no reason. Yes I am 27 and I called a 12 year old girl beautiful. Big freaking deal! But because of that I can no longer serve on Wednesday nights, service with KPC or attend Motion. What kind of ridiculous crap is this? I could understand their issue if I had called her sexy or something else along those lines but not beautiful. Just a basic compliment that meant absolutely nothing other than me just being me, nice and caring.
Why in the world do I have to be so nice and caring. I had just finished telling someone the other day that I am too nice at times and it gets me in trouble. This is exactly what I was talking about. Because I am too nice and caring I am now experiencing great pain and can no longer do the things I love to do or that I am good at. The only thing I am good at. The reason I am going to school.
What kind of fool must I be to think I can be a school teacher if I can't even make it two months serving in a role working with kids in a church? Whatever. Guess I'm going to have to change my major to something else but just looking at the programs out there and there's nothing I'm passionate about like I am about working with kids. God strike me down right now. I'm tired of experiencing this kind of pain every few months because I apparently do not know how to handle relationships with others without crossing that invisible line between being caring and being too close.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I'm Moving Forward
I am at a loss for words to describe how God is moving in my life right now. He is showing me his glory right now and I cannot get enough. He is letting me experience him in unbelievable ways right now.
In the past couple of weeks I have attended Daystar for two Sunday's and two Wednesday's and all I can say is WOW! He is moving on in me right now. From Jerry Lawson to Derek Dale to Ben Murray to Dan Watson and many, many, others, God is working miracles and making his presence known. I am so incredibly blessed to be at Daystar right now and experiencing such incredibly glory.
Now don't get me wrong, I have been very blessed in my time at St. John's. Pastor Bob, John Richter, Steve Wood and Ben Karwoski and many others have just been incredible to me. I love them for all that they are and everything they stand for and represent, but I just feel like right now my time to experience God's full presence and glory and to continue to grow in my walk and go where he is leading me I must become a member at Daystar and become a part of a new Dream Team. I will miss them all and many others that I cannot name here or I would never get to the end of this post.
Thank you God for leading me to Daystar right now and letting me experience you in new ways. Thank you for giving me the guidance necessary to be receptive to you and your ways and the courage to step out on faith in this next step of my walk with you.
In the past couple of weeks I have attended Daystar for two Sunday's and two Wednesday's and all I can say is WOW! He is moving on in me right now. From Jerry Lawson to Derek Dale to Ben Murray to Dan Watson and many, many, others, God is working miracles and making his presence known. I am so incredibly blessed to be at Daystar right now and experiencing such incredibly glory.
Now don't get me wrong, I have been very blessed in my time at St. John's. Pastor Bob, John Richter, Steve Wood and Ben Karwoski and many others have just been incredible to me. I love them for all that they are and everything they stand for and represent, but I just feel like right now my time to experience God's full presence and glory and to continue to grow in my walk and go where he is leading me I must become a member at Daystar and become a part of a new Dream Team. I will miss them all and many others that I cannot name here or I would never get to the end of this post.
Thank you God for leading me to Daystar right now and letting me experience you in new ways. Thank you for giving me the guidance necessary to be receptive to you and your ways and the courage to step out on faith in this next step of my walk with you.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
My Big Decision
I feel like I have a great decision lying in front of me. I feel like God could possibly be leading me in different direction than the one I've been on for the past two years. God opened to me a new door in March of 2012 when he introduced me to St. John's church.
It was definitely where I was supposed to be at that time. Lots of healing took place in my life and my walk with Christ was renewed. I met lots of incredible new people that have become very important to me. Some have become real close companions. People that I am forever grateful to for everything they have done for me.
Now I feel like it may be time for me to make another move. The past Sunday I attended Daystar so I could spend some time with some different close friends in my life. But I experienced God in a new way. It was not the first time I had attended Daystar but it was indeed the first time I had experienced God's presence at Daystar. It was the first time I felt like I belonged. Even though you could count on one hand the number of people that I knew it just felt right.
Last night I attended Daystar on a Wednesday night for the first time. Incredible! Absolutely touching! Words are not enough. God is definitely doing something special at Daystar. I have experienced it and want to experience it more. I think God is pulling me in that direction. This is a big decision that I have to make. I need God's guidance in making this decision of where my church membership should be at. So please pray for me to make the right decision.
It was definitely where I was supposed to be at that time. Lots of healing took place in my life and my walk with Christ was renewed. I met lots of incredible new people that have become very important to me. Some have become real close companions. People that I am forever grateful to for everything they have done for me.
Now I feel like it may be time for me to make another move. The past Sunday I attended Daystar so I could spend some time with some different close friends in my life. But I experienced God in a new way. It was not the first time I had attended Daystar but it was indeed the first time I had experienced God's presence at Daystar. It was the first time I felt like I belonged. Even though you could count on one hand the number of people that I knew it just felt right.
Last night I attended Daystar on a Wednesday night for the first time. Incredible! Absolutely touching! Words are not enough. God is definitely doing something special at Daystar. I have experienced it and want to experience it more. I think God is pulling me in that direction. This is a big decision that I have to make. I need God's guidance in making this decision of where my church membership should be at. So please pray for me to make the right decision.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Children Are A Blessing
Children are such a blessing from God! I love the way I am wired. I love the way being around and interacting with children makes me feel. The incredible joy I get from them. I am at a loss of words to describe my joy!
God has planned deep within me a desire to be a blessing in the lives of children. It is why I am taking this road he has provided me with that will eventually lead me to being an elementary school teacher.
Yes I have struggles in knowing that I still have a long road ahead of me to get to where I want to receive the fruit of this seed he has planted within me, but as long as I keep my focus on Him in this whole journey, I will realize a dream.
I also have another dream to one day become a parent. I mean God has already blessed me two the names for two girls that I want to be a father to, Rilee Chastin Bliss and Alexa Baylee Bliss. It is completely crazy that I even have these names in my head right now considering I still have yet to meet the beautiful, Godly woman God has waiting for me.
God has planned deep within me a desire to be a blessing in the lives of children. It is why I am taking this road he has provided me with that will eventually lead me to being an elementary school teacher.
Yes I have struggles in knowing that I still have a long road ahead of me to get to where I want to receive the fruit of this seed he has planted within me, but as long as I keep my focus on Him in this whole journey, I will realize a dream.
I also have another dream to one day become a parent. I mean God has already blessed me two the names for two girls that I want to be a father to, Rilee Chastin Bliss and Alexa Baylee Bliss. It is completely crazy that I even have these names in my head right now considering I still have yet to meet the beautiful, Godly woman God has waiting for me.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Producing Good Fruit
I really don't know what I'm doing right now. What are God's plans for my life? Why am I here? Why am I experiencing this heartache and pain? The loneliness of being single and feeling completely unloved? Have you ever wanted something so bad that it literally tears at your very soul? It has actually brought me to tears.
I see what other people have and I just want that for myself. I pray to God for it and he just keeps that door slammed shut. I wonder what he's waiting on. Why is there all this waiting? Time. Time is an evil word to me right now. I hate it. I don't like being told to wait on God's timing because God's timing isn't right now. It hasn't been right now for such a long time I feel like he will never say yes.
The really sad part to me is that no one understands my pain. No one understands why I want this so bad. I really wish someone would understand the pain and emptiness I feel right now. An emptiness that not even God is filling. I've tried and failed miserably to fill that emptiness on my own and that leads to nothing but self destruction. I promise you, learn from my mistakes, there is absolutely nothing you can do and have that can fill that loneliness. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. God has to fill it, but that requires you pursing him will all of your heart and soul. You can't haphazardly pursue God, because that just doesn't work. It's either all or nothing.
Maybe eventually God will open that door for me. I attended Daystar church today and Jerry Lawson was preaching on this very issue today. About how we try to fill our life with jobs, money, cars, personal rewards, but all that means nothing if it's not Godly fruit. I want to have Godly fruit coming out in my life. I want to know what it feels like to have God pouring out of me and for others to see it and recognize it for what it is, God.
I'm guessing that's what God is waiting on. He's waiting on me to get to that point, then he will open up all these other doors such as jobs, relationships, happiness and joy. So I ask you tonight, pray for me to find my way to the point where God completely consumes me and I produce Godly fruit. The good fruit.
I see what other people have and I just want that for myself. I pray to God for it and he just keeps that door slammed shut. I wonder what he's waiting on. Why is there all this waiting? Time. Time is an evil word to me right now. I hate it. I don't like being told to wait on God's timing because God's timing isn't right now. It hasn't been right now for such a long time I feel like he will never say yes.
The really sad part to me is that no one understands my pain. No one understands why I want this so bad. I really wish someone would understand the pain and emptiness I feel right now. An emptiness that not even God is filling. I've tried and failed miserably to fill that emptiness on my own and that leads to nothing but self destruction. I promise you, learn from my mistakes, there is absolutely nothing you can do and have that can fill that loneliness. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. God has to fill it, but that requires you pursing him will all of your heart and soul. You can't haphazardly pursue God, because that just doesn't work. It's either all or nothing.
Maybe eventually God will open that door for me. I attended Daystar church today and Jerry Lawson was preaching on this very issue today. About how we try to fill our life with jobs, money, cars, personal rewards, but all that means nothing if it's not Godly fruit. I want to have Godly fruit coming out in my life. I want to know what it feels like to have God pouring out of me and for others to see it and recognize it for what it is, God.
I'm guessing that's what God is waiting on. He's waiting on me to get to that point, then he will open up all these other doors such as jobs, relationships, happiness and joy. So I ask you tonight, pray for me to find my way to the point where God completely consumes me and I produce Godly fruit. The good fruit.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Bad Day
Man today has not been a good day. It all started with English this morning. We were supposed to do an essay defining Alabama. Despite living almost my whole life here I know pretty much nothing about Alabama. I know even little about writing a descriptive essay. It took me the whole class period just to get something on paper. But whatever.
Then after Psychology class I overheard this girl I like talking on the phone to I guess her boyfriend. It was a guy and she said I love you. But I'm still going to work on building up a good friendship with this girl. Still being with her and talking to her and listening to her still drives me crazy. Good crazy, not bad.
Then in math class my teacher decided that she wasn't going to take up last night's homework and instead decided our homework grade today would be a pop quiz. I knew my homework was correct but I'm pretty sure I plunked that quiz. Ugh.
Just an overall bad day made worse by how bummed out I am about this girl I like already having a boyfriend. I was so thrilled last night because God spoke to me so clearly and answered my prayer about another situation. Another learning experience that will make me a better person when it comes time for me to be in a committed relationship. It's the second such learning experience I have had to deal with in the last month. Now I'm back to feeling like I'm having to go through all these learning experiences about relationships that I won't never actually get the use.
I guess I should just go to bed now.
Then after Psychology class I overheard this girl I like talking on the phone to I guess her boyfriend. It was a guy and she said I love you. But I'm still going to work on building up a good friendship with this girl. Still being with her and talking to her and listening to her still drives me crazy. Good crazy, not bad.
Then in math class my teacher decided that she wasn't going to take up last night's homework and instead decided our homework grade today would be a pop quiz. I knew my homework was correct but I'm pretty sure I plunked that quiz. Ugh.
Just an overall bad day made worse by how bummed out I am about this girl I like already having a boyfriend. I was so thrilled last night because God spoke to me so clearly and answered my prayer about another situation. Another learning experience that will make me a better person when it comes time for me to be in a committed relationship. It's the second such learning experience I have had to deal with in the last month. Now I'm back to feeling like I'm having to go through all these learning experiences about relationships that I won't never actually get the use.
I guess I should just go to bed now.
Monday, October 14, 2013
I Think I'm In Love
I am going through a very weird and at the same time awesome situation right now. For years now I have prayed for God to send me soul mate. Someone that I could be with day and night, laugh with, cry with, but most of all love. Someone that loves me unconditionally.
I have prayed that prayer for a good 3 years now. I had all but given up hope of that happening and learning to live my life on my own without a companion here on earth in the human form.
But then last Wednesday happened clear out of the blue. The more I learn about this smart, funny, beautiful, wonderful girl the more amazed I am and the more I feel like she might be the one that God has sent to be with me.
I have a connection to this girl that I didn't know about until today. This connection makes me feel even more like God's hands are all over this situation and that he's working his magic in my life and I'm about to receive a huge blessing.
Today when she saw me her face just lit up in that amazing, indescribably look. The look you see from kids on Christmas morning. The look that men get when see their brides on their weeding day. That just wow look. But the feeling I got when I saw her face. My heart started doing flips.
All I want to do is spend time with her and talk to her and listen to her talk. I feel like we're the only two people on the planet when I'm with her. I can't breathe. I can't think. But I don't have to think because everything just comes naturally.
I have never felt this way before so if this is what being in love feels like, I absolutely cannot get enough of this feeling. The saddest part of my day was having to say goodbye to her.
I have prayed that prayer for a good 3 years now. I had all but given up hope of that happening and learning to live my life on my own without a companion here on earth in the human form.
But then last Wednesday happened clear out of the blue. The more I learn about this smart, funny, beautiful, wonderful girl the more amazed I am and the more I feel like she might be the one that God has sent to be with me.
I have a connection to this girl that I didn't know about until today. This connection makes me feel even more like God's hands are all over this situation and that he's working his magic in my life and I'm about to receive a huge blessing.
Today when she saw me her face just lit up in that amazing, indescribably look. The look you see from kids on Christmas morning. The look that men get when see their brides on their weeding day. That just wow look. But the feeling I got when I saw her face. My heart started doing flips.
All I want to do is spend time with her and talk to her and listen to her talk. I feel like we're the only two people on the planet when I'm with her. I can't breathe. I can't think. But I don't have to think because everything just comes naturally.
I have never felt this way before so if this is what being in love feels like, I absolutely cannot get enough of this feeling. The saddest part of my day was having to say goodbye to her.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Decoding God's Message
We all like to know when God is specifically speaking to us but how do you know when it's God speaking and not the lies or Satan or your own personal human feelings? One way to know is if you hear the same message over and over again from different people in your life. When God really wants to get a message to you he will make sure to repeat it over and over again so you're more likely to hear it.
I had something happen to me yesterday and I can't get it out of my head. There's this girl in my psychology class that I had seen but had never talked to before. But clear out of the blue yesterday she came up to me and asked if she could sit beside me, of course I said yes.
I calmly introduced myself and asked her name and explained that I had seen her in class and knew her face but not her name. We struck up a friendly conversation and I came to realize that I was having such an incredible time talking to her. It turns out that we have many things in common.
We enjoyed talking so much that we exchanged numbers and we texted each other to say how much we enjoyed our time together. This morning I sent her a text telling her good morning and to have a wonderful day and she returned the message.
Well now I sit here wondering if maybe this could be the start of a wonderful relationship with this girl or if it's just a friend thing? I honestly don't know. But it just seems so weird how it happened and how much we both enjoyed talking and spending time with each other even though it was just one day.
I can't wait to see her again on Monday and talk to her some more. I'm really praying that God sends me some message that maybe this girl is indeed my destiny. That every twist and turn in my road has been in an effort to lead me to meeting this girl. The best thing about her is that she is a follower of God. That gives me even more hope that she might be the one for me that I've waited my whole life to meet.
I had something happen to me yesterday and I can't get it out of my head. There's this girl in my psychology class that I had seen but had never talked to before. But clear out of the blue yesterday she came up to me and asked if she could sit beside me, of course I said yes.
I calmly introduced myself and asked her name and explained that I had seen her in class and knew her face but not her name. We struck up a friendly conversation and I came to realize that I was having such an incredible time talking to her. It turns out that we have many things in common.
We enjoyed talking so much that we exchanged numbers and we texted each other to say how much we enjoyed our time together. This morning I sent her a text telling her good morning and to have a wonderful day and she returned the message.
Well now I sit here wondering if maybe this could be the start of a wonderful relationship with this girl or if it's just a friend thing? I honestly don't know. But it just seems so weird how it happened and how much we both enjoyed talking and spending time with each other even though it was just one day.
I can't wait to see her again on Monday and talk to her some more. I'm really praying that God sends me some message that maybe this girl is indeed my destiny. That every twist and turn in my road has been in an effort to lead me to meeting this girl. The best thing about her is that she is a follower of God. That gives me even more hope that she might be the one for me that I've waited my whole life to meet.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Fearfully And Wonderfully Made
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
~~~Psalm 139:14
I absolutely love that verse. I love it because it says how special each one of us are to God. How God took the time to make each one of us absolutely special. How each one of us have something about us that is unique to us and no one else.
There are things about me that nobody else can claim and that excites me. It makes me feel like I am the only person in the world at times. When I'm feeling down and lonely all I have to do is remember how special I am to God. How I am the only me there is and will ever be. I just blows my mind that God took the time to do that when he created me.
God created you in the same way. God knew each moment of your life before you ever took a single breath. He knew the highs and lows you would go through in this life. He knew your flaws. He knew your every achievement. The best thing is that he loves us just the way we are because he created us to be who we are.
Now that doesn't mean there aren't some things about us that we don't need to change, be it our attitude, outlook on life, habits, ect. But it does mean that God loves us and that if we want to change those things God will allow us to change those things to become the person he created us to be because we were created fearfully and wonderfully made.
This wonderful worship song really sums it up.
Love Song by New Life Worship
This wonderful worship song really sums it up.
Love Song by New Life Worship
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Chasing After My Dreams
Today was a very special day for me. I got to go back to Cultivate Church and visit some old friends that I hadn't seen in a few months. I also finally got to meet someone person who I had only had the joy of talking to online.
I few months ago I realized that God's calling in my life was to become an slementary school teacher. I knew I had always wanted to do something that invoked kids but I didn't know exactly what that was. Finally I heard God's voice telling me that I was to be a school teacher.
I was very scared, but knew that this would be a big faith building season in my life. So I put my full trust in God and set the wheels in motion to start the schooling I needed to reach this dream of becoming an elementary school teacher.
I start school on August 15th and while I'm still very unsure of what I'm doing I fully believe that this is God's plan for this season of my life to make this dream come true. And even if I fall flat on my face at least I know that I gave it my best effort and that God has something else in store for me.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I few months ago I realized that God's calling in my life was to become an slementary school teacher. I knew I had always wanted to do something that invoked kids but I didn't know exactly what that was. Finally I heard God's voice telling me that I was to be a school teacher.
I was very scared, but knew that this would be a big faith building season in my life. So I put my full trust in God and set the wheels in motion to start the schooling I needed to reach this dream of becoming an elementary school teacher.
I start school on August 15th and while I'm still very unsure of what I'm doing I fully believe that this is God's plan for this season of my life to make this dream come true. And even if I fall flat on my face at least I know that I gave it my best effort and that God has something else in store for me.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~~~Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, May 6, 2013
You Came To My Rescue
Just when I'm feeling as low as scum and as far away from God as I possibly can, he somehow pulls at my heart strings and breaks down the wall that I'm building between him and me. I don't know how he does it. It's truly remarkable the power that God has to get to you when you feel all alone and like nobody cares. But he does. He cares.
I don't know why when I start feeling overwhelmed by life, I pull away from God instead of running to him. I draw into myself and put as many walls as I can between myself and God. And then in once instance he blasts them to bits and my heart of stone melts in his hands. That's how I know I'm truly loved. Even if nobody here on this earth loves me God does. He always comes to my rescue when I need him the most. Thank you LORD. Thank you my God. Thank you for loving me when others don't.
I don't know why when I start feeling overwhelmed by life, I pull away from God instead of running to him. I draw into myself and put as many walls as I can between myself and God. And then in once instance he blasts them to bits and my heart of stone melts in his hands. That's how I know I'm truly loved. Even if nobody here on this earth loves me God does. He always comes to my rescue when I need him the most. Thank you LORD. Thank you my God. Thank you for loving me when others don't.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
