Alone Forever

I'm no good for anyone or anything. There is nothing good in me or about me. The whole world would be better off if I weren't around. That's the honest truth. I don't know why I even care and attempt to make friends. I have a past and nobody will ever give me a fair chance. I try to be honest and own up to my mistakes and hope people will be able to see past that and give me a chance but it never happens. Once people find out about my past that's it. It's the end of the deal. I would kill to have one of those personalities where I could just not give a damn and be fine with having no life and no friends. But I'm not wired that way. God made me into a person that cares about everyone and wants everyone to like me. I crave love and acceptance and I don't get that from anyone. Everyone always leaves and abandons me because that's me. God gave me the worst possible personality for someone with the past I have. I don't get second chances and now I don't even get first chances. I'm sorry, I'm so deeply sorry that I'm such a piece of shit person and I'm impossible to love. I'm going to die old and alone with no one or anything all because of my past. Peace out.

Producing Good Fruit

I really don't know what I'm doing right now. What are God's plans for my life? Why am I here? Why am I experiencing this heartache and pain? The loneliness of being single and feeling completely unloved? Have you ever wanted something so bad that it literally tears at your very soul? It has actually brought me to tears.

I see what other people have and I just want that for myself. I pray to God for it and he just keeps that door slammed shut. I wonder what he's waiting on. Why is there all this waiting? Time. Time is an evil word to me right now. I hate it. I don't like being told to wait on God's timing because God's timing isn't right now. It hasn't been right now for such a long time I feel like he will never say yes.

The really sad part to me is that no one understands my pain. No one understands why I want this so bad. I really wish someone would understand the pain and emptiness I feel right now. An emptiness that not even God is filling. I've tried and failed miserably to fill that emptiness on my own and that leads to nothing but self destruction. I promise you, learn from my mistakes, there is absolutely nothing you can do and have that can fill that loneliness. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. God has to fill it, but that requires you pursing him will all of your heart and soul. You can't haphazardly pursue God, because that just doesn't work. It's either all or nothing.

Maybe eventually God will open that door for me. I attended Daystar church today and Jerry Lawson was preaching on this very issue today. About how we try to fill our life with jobs, money, cars, personal rewards, but all that means nothing if it's not Godly fruit. I want to have Godly fruit coming out in my life. I want to know what it feels like to have God pouring out of me and for others to see it and recognize it for what it is, God.

I'm guessing that's what God is waiting on. He's waiting on me to get to that point, then he will open up all these other doors such as jobs, relationships, happiness and joy. So I ask you tonight, pray for me to find my way to the point where God completely consumes me and I produce Godly fruit. The good fruit.

I Think I'm In Love

I am going through a very weird and at the same time awesome situation right now. For years now I have prayed for God to send me soul mate. Someone that I could be with day and night, laugh with, cry with, but most of all love. Someone that loves me unconditionally.

I have prayed that prayer for a good 3 years now. I had all but given up hope of that happening and learning to live my life on my own without a companion here on earth in the human form.

But then last Wednesday happened clear out of the blue. The more I learn about this smart, funny, beautiful, wonderful girl the more amazed I am and the more I feel like she might be the one that God has sent to be with me.

I have a connection to this girl that I didn't know about until today. This connection makes me feel even more like God's hands are all over this situation and that he's working his magic in my life and I'm about to receive a huge blessing.

Today when she saw me her face just lit up in that amazing, indescribably look. The look you see from kids on Christmas morning. The look that men get when see their brides on their weeding day. That just wow look. But the feeling I got when I saw her face. My heart started doing flips.

All I want to do is spend time with her and talk to her and listen to her talk. I feel like we're the only two people on the planet when I'm with her. I can't breathe. I can't think. But I don't have to think because everything just comes naturally.

I have never felt this way before so if this is what being in love feels like, I absolutely cannot get enough of this feeling. The saddest part of my day was having to say goodbye to her.

You Came To My Rescue

Just when I'm feeling as low as scum and as far away from God as I possibly can, he somehow pulls at my heart strings and breaks down the wall that I'm building between him and me. I don't know how he does it. It's truly remarkable the power that God has to get to you when you feel all alone and like nobody cares. But he does. He cares.

I don't know why when I start feeling overwhelmed by life, I pull away from God instead of running to him. I draw into myself and put as many walls as I can between myself and God. And then in once instance he blasts them to bits and my heart of stone melts in his hands. That's how I know I'm truly loved. Even if nobody here on this earth loves me God does. He always comes to my rescue when I need him the most. Thank you LORD. Thank you my God. Thank you for loving me when others don't.

The Girl I Love

There's a girl that I met just a few months ago but I feel like I had known her my whole life. I instantly fell in love with her. She's so wonderful. She's truly a beautiful person inside and out. But the most important thing about her is that she loves God and it really shows.

I think about her constantly. I dream about her. I love talking to her and being able to spend time with her when I can. I really believe that she is the one for me. I wish I could tell her that but I can't because she's already in a pretty serious relationship that is just ripping my heart out.

The dream I had about her last night was amazing. Her boyfriend (which I have never met in real life) did something to her that made her cry and I saw it and it really upset me to see her crying.

I went up to that jerk and told him what a big moron he was and then he punched me in the face, knocking me down.

I knew it was a dream because in real life I would have been down for the count and then after I collected myself I would have started swinging. But in my dream I didn't. I didn't feel a thing when he punched me.

I just picked myself up and told him that he needed to change his attitude or he was going to spend his life alone. Then I went over to the girl and told her how I felt about her and her tears of pain became tears of joy and she hugged me so hard I thought I was going to break. But it was the greatest feeling in the world.

It just kills me that it was only a dream and not real life. The only thing I can do is to continue to live my daily life for God doing the things I need to do and hoping that one day soon I will get the chance to tell this girl how I feel about her. Until then I'll continue holding true to this picture.

*The girl's name was withheld to protect her privacy.

Knowing Someone You Love Is Dying

Hey guys please just listen to me. I need someone to talk to. Well here goes. I don't know why life works the way it does but it just does. Nobody understands it but God and that just doesn't help the pain any. Well what I'm trying to say is we just found out my grandma, or granny as the whole family calls her, has stage 4 stomach cancer. Meaning that it is too far gone to be saved. I mean she could just die any day now or could live for who knows how long. But she's in really bad shape right now cause she can't eat anything so they are gonna have to put a feeding tube in her. The doctor said that a man had the same problem and they brought him 14 more months to live. I sure would like to know that I had 14 more months with my granny. I don't understand why this has to happen to my granny. She is the glue that holds the whole family together. Without her the whole family is a mess and don't know what to do. I really don't know what is gonna happen. Well just keep her in your prays and we'll just have to see what happens. Thanks for listening.
Big T