Producing Good Fruit

I really don't know what I'm doing right now. What are God's plans for my life? Why am I here? Why am I experiencing this heartache and pain? The loneliness of being single and feeling completely unloved? Have you ever wanted something so bad that it literally tears at your very soul? It has actually brought me to tears.

I see what other people have and I just want that for myself. I pray to God for it and he just keeps that door slammed shut. I wonder what he's waiting on. Why is there all this waiting? Time. Time is an evil word to me right now. I hate it. I don't like being told to wait on God's timing because God's timing isn't right now. It hasn't been right now for such a long time I feel like he will never say yes.

The really sad part to me is that no one understands my pain. No one understands why I want this so bad. I really wish someone would understand the pain and emptiness I feel right now. An emptiness that not even God is filling. I've tried and failed miserably to fill that emptiness on my own and that leads to nothing but self destruction. I promise you, learn from my mistakes, there is absolutely nothing you can do and have that can fill that loneliness. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. God has to fill it, but that requires you pursing him will all of your heart and soul. You can't haphazardly pursue God, because that just doesn't work. It's either all or nothing.

Maybe eventually God will open that door for me. I attended Daystar church today and Jerry Lawson was preaching on this very issue today. About how we try to fill our life with jobs, money, cars, personal rewards, but all that means nothing if it's not Godly fruit. I want to have Godly fruit coming out in my life. I want to know what it feels like to have God pouring out of me and for others to see it and recognize it for what it is, God.

I'm guessing that's what God is waiting on. He's waiting on me to get to that point, then he will open up all these other doors such as jobs, relationships, happiness and joy. So I ask you tonight, pray for me to find my way to the point where God completely consumes me and I produce Godly fruit. The good fruit.