I don't even know where to begin. My head, my heart, my soul, my faith, my trust, my belief is all over the place these days. Pretty much I'm living a nightmare every day and I have no idea when this nightmare will be over and what will happen in the end. I live everyday in fear and most people just don't give a damn and that sucks. So many have turned on me and sigh... It really is true that people love to kick you when you're down.
Seriously, forgiveness and understanding is nowhere to be found. It's amazing that people can know me so well and still think I did something I didn't do or that I had some kind of evil intentions. That's the part that just blows me away the most. I guess I'm just a rare person in that I'm loyal to people even if that loyalty isn't returned to me. So, there's nothing more I can say I guess.
What does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God? I honestly have no clue!! Matthew 6: 31-33 tells us to seek the kingdom of God and all our needs will be taken care of.
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
~~~Matthew 6: 31-33
I have such a difficult time with this because God isn't physical. God is spiritual and I struggle greatly to even begin to comprehend that. I do not even know where to begin to get an understanding of the difference between being a physical begin and being a spiritual being.
People have told me countless times that all the things I seek in life will be satisfied if I just pursue God and trust him. That if I just let go of everything I seek and turn it over to God I will be fulfilled. How? How in the world does that even work? How can a spiritual God fulfill my physical human needs and desires? How can I possibly get the love, peace, strength, wisdow, comfort, and everything else I desire from a spiritual God when I cannot even figure out how to seperate myself from my physical needs and desires? It doesn't make any sense to me that God can do that because God isn't a physical God. He is a spiritual God. I'm never going to be able to go to God and get a hug or a pat on the back or hear I love you or good job or anything else from him. It's just not going to happen in a physical sense. It all happens in a spiritual sense.
Nothing more would please me than to reach that place of understanding where I have that peace, love, comfort, strength, wisdow, and everything else that comes from having a relationship with God and trusting him and knowing full well that he truly does satisfy and fulfill every single need and desire I have on this earth. That no matter how hard it is to not have the physical needs and desires met that I am still ok because my soul is taken care of. I would love to be able to sing it is well with my soul and truly mean it because I have finally obtained the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I guess I should be thankful that somewhere within me I've got this desire to keep seeking and trying to find answers and ultimately reach that place where one day I can live the life that God has promised me.
I think learning to let go is something that everyone struggles with at different times throughout their lives. Humans in general are creatures of habit who hate change and I know that definitely describes me.
We tend to just want to hang onto that someone or something that we're comfortable with no matter how much damage it does to us just because we're opposed to change. I am struggling with that myself in getting over Brittany and what we had together. I keep finding myself drawn back to her and ignoring all the negative things there was about the relationship we had. A relationship that was purely deadly because it lacked the most important thing you need in a relationship, God.
God gives us free will to make our own decisions but if you are truly saved and truly a person of faith, then you should want to do what God says and cling to Him in these times. There is a reason that relationship ended. It is because God has better for you. God will never deny you what is good and just.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously,
and he will give you everything you need.
~~~Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
I have learned that when we cling to these old relationships or things we are saying that we do not trust God. All of our hope, faith, and trust should be in God and God alone. Nothing else.
I once heard someone say that "faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." That applies right now in this situation and all situations. Take the first step. Put your entire hope, faith, and trust in our LORD Jesus Christ!! He is the one and only Savior!!
Will someone please explain to me why God allows pain and suffering when he is has the power to not cause pain and suffering. God can be your friend when things are going good but when times turn bad God goes away from you can doesn't want nothing to do with you. Why does he do this? It makes no sense. You would think he would be there with you when you need him the most. I am questioning why God does some of the things he does. It is okay because I am telling God my truth feelings and in the end this should pull me closer to him. I still believe in him but I have doubts about the way he runs things. He has never done anything great with my life and I have been so happy the last 2 weeks but tonight had a complete meltdown because I am going throught some really tough times and it isn't getting any better. I thought it was but it just hasn't gotten any better. It all started when my Granny died sudden of cancer on New Year's Eve. She was the person I was the most closest too in my life. I thought over this past couple of weeks I had gotten over losing her only to have this huge meltdown tonight when I got in a fight with my brother. Well things still suck for me right now. I am too tired to go to sleep as I have been running on only about 4 hours of sleep because of the time chance and well it's all crazy. I need to go to sleep and sleep it off but I just don't want to because I feel like it will do any good. Well I guess I am doing rambing. I hate when I ramble. I hate alot of things about life right now. It's all stuff that shouldn't me shit in life but does because after all we are just human but I am a very lonely person right now. Well I guess I will end this before I say something I proabably shouldn't. God please help me.
Edit: Well God tests our faith by putting himself away from us in the times we need him the most. It really, really hurts. I have never lost faith in him but I do question him. It is all about testing us. God is great, God is good, let us raise his name in praise, Amen.
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