I don't even know where to begin. My head, my heart, my soul, my faith, my trust, my belief is all over the place these days. Pretty much I'm living a nightmare every day and I have no idea when this nightmare will be over and what will happen in the end. I live everyday in fear and most people just don't give a damn and that sucks. So many have turned on me and sigh... It really is true that people love to kick you when you're down.
Seriously, forgiveness and understanding is nowhere to be found. It's amazing that people can know me so well and still think I did something I didn't do or that I had some kind of evil intentions. That's the part that just blows me away the most. I guess I'm just a rare person in that I'm loyal to people even if that loyalty isn't returned to me. So, there's nothing more I can say I guess.
What does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God? I honestly have no clue!! Matthew 6: 31-33 tells us to seek the kingdom of God and all our needs will be taken care of.
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
~~~Matthew 6: 31-33
I have such a difficult time with this because God isn't physical. God is spiritual and I struggle greatly to even begin to comprehend that. I do not even know where to begin to get an understanding of the difference between being a physical begin and being a spiritual being.
People have told me countless times that all the things I seek in life will be satisfied if I just pursue God and trust him. That if I just let go of everything I seek and turn it over to God I will be fulfilled. How? How in the world does that even work? How can a spiritual God fulfill my physical human needs and desires? How can I possibly get the love, peace, strength, wisdow, comfort, and everything else I desire from a spiritual God when I cannot even figure out how to seperate myself from my physical needs and desires? It doesn't make any sense to me that God can do that because God isn't a physical God. He is a spiritual God. I'm never going to be able to go to God and get a hug or a pat on the back or hear I love you or good job or anything else from him. It's just not going to happen in a physical sense. It all happens in a spiritual sense.
Nothing more would please me than to reach that place of understanding where I have that peace, love, comfort, strength, wisdow, and everything else that comes from having a relationship with God and trusting him and knowing full well that he truly does satisfy and fulfill every single need and desire I have on this earth. That no matter how hard it is to not have the physical needs and desires met that I am still ok because my soul is taken care of. I would love to be able to sing it is well with my soul and truly mean it because I have finally obtained the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I guess I should be thankful that somewhere within me I've got this desire to keep seeking and trying to find answers and ultimately reach that place where one day I can live the life that God has promised me.
In my last post I explained that I finally realize what it means to fully surrender but I didn't give a battle plan on how to fully surrender. As I said previously, to fully surrender you must first come clean of any deep dark secrets that may be haunting you. Those chains of past hurts, mistakes, decisions we've done, both intentionally and unintentionally.
So here it is, I'm finally coming clean. As a child I was sexually abused. There's no need for details because it's all in God's hands now, but I have never told that to anyone before expect a couple of very close and important people that have truly shown me what it means for God to love us unconditionally. Sadly my story doesn't end there, a few years after this happened to me I in turn did the same thing to a couple of younger kids. I was just curious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. My thinking of right from wrong had been warped to believe that this was a natural part of growing up. That those older than you look and touch you because they're curious and then you in turn pass that along. But I realize that is not right. It's wrong and I have lived in fear of ever admitting that to anyone. I've lived in my own prison for nearly 20 years.
I have tried many times in the past to surrender my life to Christ but I was never fully surrendering because I refused to give up these chains of my past because I never wanted to admit that they happened. I lived a life of denial. I closed off that part of my life from anyone including myself, but most importantly God. It is now out in the open and I now fully surrender my life to Christ. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy on my soul.
You now know my life story, the question now is what will you do with it? Will you love me or hate me? That decision is yours. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and let go of it. God has set me free from these chains. For the first time in my life I finally have freedom. Praise God that Jesus died so we don't have to live with chains like this. That we can finally have a real life. I've finally got a peace that I have longed denied myself because I let fear control me. But when you allow God to put the right people in your life to lead you to freedom and you trust Him anything is possible! I trust you Lord!
First off, before I even start with this post, I need to issue an apology to all of those that I have offended in recent weeks for some of the things I have said regarding God. I know I have offended many even if only a few have had the courage to actually tell me. I do sincerely apologize for that. My intentions were certainly not to offend.
Now that we've got that out of the way, onto our regularly scheduled program. What does it mean to fully surrender? That's a question I've been wrestling with for a long time, especially when so many ask me if I've done that. I become frustrated by it and take offense to it.
Of course I've fully surrendered my life to God I say. Why else do I go to church and claim to be a believer and follower of God? But when you take the time to finally hash out what fully surrender looks like, when your friend Seth keeps you standing in the parking lot for over an hour after church, then you get to learn that maybe I've never fully surrender my life to Christ.
People are like onions, each layer needs to be peeled back to get to the root of who that person really is. Sometimes peeling away those layers is uncomfortable and painful. Opening up and making yourself vulnerable to people isn't easy, but it's a necessary process if we are to grow and become the person God wants us to be. We have to be willing to open up our true self to our brothers and sisters in Christ. That's the only way to grow in our personal relationship to God. As long as we hold onto our deep dark secrets we will never fully surrender our life to God.
Now that I know what it means to fully surrender, I need to do it. Knowing is only half the battle. The other half is actually living that out. Choosing to fully surrender, knowing that I have made myself available for God to use me to do his work.
An old wise man once said, in order to find yourself you must first lose yourself. That wise man was Wilson from Home Improvement. LOL! Sorry but I just had to throw that in for a laugh. I've always been a big Tim Allen fan. But in all seriousness, Jesus tells us that very thing in Matthew 16:24-26.
Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
~~~Matthew 16: 24-26
That rings true to us today. We need to take up our cross daily and make God the center focus of our life. That is what it means to fully surrender. I need to do that. I need to allow God in. I need to make myself vulnerable to the group of people that God has surrounded me with. Let God use them to make me the man he wants me to be and that starts now.
I think learning to let go is something that everyone struggles with at different times throughout their lives. Humans in general are creatures of habit who hate change and I know that definitely describes me.
We tend to just want to hang onto that someone or something that we're comfortable with no matter how much damage it does to us just because we're opposed to change. I am struggling with that myself in getting over Brittany and what we had together. I keep finding myself drawn back to her and ignoring all the negative things there was about the relationship we had. A relationship that was purely deadly because it lacked the most important thing you need in a relationship, God.
God gives us free will to make our own decisions but if you are truly saved and truly a person of faith, then you should want to do what God says and cling to Him in these times. There is a reason that relationship ended. It is because God has better for you. God will never deny you what is good and just.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously,
and he will give you everything you need.
~~~Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
I have learned that when we cling to these old relationships or things we are saying that we do not trust God. All of our hope, faith, and trust should be in God and God alone. Nothing else.
I once heard someone say that "faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." That applies right now in this situation and all situations. Take the first step. Put your entire hope, faith, and trust in our LORD Jesus Christ!! He is the one and only Savior!!
This is kind of building on my previous post, but I won't give up. I won't give up on you. I won't give up on me. I won't give up on us. That is what God says to us. No matter what happens to us God is always right there with us.
Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,
"I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."
~~~Hebrews 13:5 (NLT)
We endure trials all the time in our Christian walk. But we also endure trials when it comes to our home life of our spouse, kids, job, finances, ect.
One of the hardest things I deal with is seeing a friendship or different kind of relationship with a person end. I am such a fighter when it comes to trying to keep friendships or relationships because I am so loyal. It's a part of my personality. I don't want to let friendships or other relationships die because I am so resistant to change.
But I am slowly learning that maybe some some friendships or relationships ending is all a part of God's master plan. That while certain friendships are great in that they have helped me grow, that season has passed and it's time to let go. I believe that God gives us these friendships and relationships with people to help us grow closer to him and that when it's time for us to move it means having to say goodbye to those friendships or relationships because we're no longer growing closer to God. You're either growing closer to God are backsliding away from him. You're never just staying in one place in your relationship with God.
The song 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz describes how we should fight for our relationships with our spouses. That no matter what happens that we should always keep the faith. The same applies to our relationship with God. That no matter what happens in our relationship with him we should always stay strong in our faith and not be discouraged.
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your
way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that
when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed,
you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
~~~James 1:2-4 (NLT)
So brothers and sisters in Christ, remember that your trials are a chance to grow your faith in God. Don't be discouraged over them and don't turn away from God during the hard times that will come upon you, but lean on his understanding and boost in his comfort.
One of the many desires I have in my heart is to have a wife and children. In fact I even had a dream just a couple of nights ago about being the father to a young boy about 4 or 5 years old named Daniel. It was just a dream but it is one of the best dreams I have ever had because I was so filled with joy beyond belief. Now I don't know if that dream means anything or not but it just reinforces the desires I have to have my own family.
I have tried to do it on my own in my own way and that simply doesn't work. I knew deep down I was doing things the wrong way but still kept doing it because I was satisfied in just having a girlfriend and made her the number one priority of my life. But things don't work that way.
God needs to be the number one priority of my life. If God is the center of my desires everything else will be blessed upon me. Its actually a blessing that I got to experience the failed relationship I just had without God in it. It allowed me to learn so much about myself. It made me realize that I am completely nothing without God. I have given my life to God and turned to him to guide me. He is now my number one.
I am writing this to my future wife, the one I know God has in store for me. I know you are out there somewhere and I am working to make myself the man that God needs me to be in order to be the kind of husband and father that God has called me to be.
I don't know where you are in this world right now but I know that you are out there somewhere. I know God is preparing you to be the kind of wife I need in my life. I truly want to be able to love you like Christ loves us. I want to be able to love our future children like God wants us too.
I am praying for you! I am praying for you and know that you're also praying for me as well.
"This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
~~~Joshua 1:9
I'm praying for you to have courage, peace, protection, prosperity and a purpose. I am also praying that over our future children. I know that you're praying for the same things because you're a Godly woman.
I do dream of what you will look like, what your voice sounds like, what your passions are. I wish I had you right now but I know that God's timing is perfect. If you're reading this, until the day that I get to meet you, I leave you with this song that I just absolutely love to the point of wishing I could sing it to you right now.
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