Alone Forever

I'm no good for anyone or anything. There is nothing good in me or about me. The whole world would be better off if I weren't around. That's the honest truth. I don't know why I even care and attempt to make friends. I have a past and nobody will ever give me a fair chance. I try to be honest and own up to my mistakes and hope people will be able to see past that and give me a chance but it never happens. Once people find out about my past that's it. It's the end of the deal. I would kill to have one of those personalities where I could just not give a damn and be fine with having no life and no friends. But I'm not wired that way. God made me into a person that cares about everyone and wants everyone to like me. I crave love and acceptance and I don't get that from anyone. Everyone always leaves and abandons me because that's me. God gave me the worst possible personality for someone with the past I have. I don't get second chances and now I don't even get first chances. I'm sorry, I'm so deeply sorry that I'm such a piece of shit person and I'm impossible to love. I'm going to die old and alone with no one or anything all because of my past. Peace out.

Random Thoughts

I had a long difficult night last night when so many long depressing thoughts flooded my brain all night. So many different random things about my past and why I'm the total screw up that I am. I've made so many mistakes but where has it gotten me? Only into a world of hurt.

Looking at old pictures that pop up on my phone of the life I used to have is so crushing, especially when I think about how good I thought my life was. I thought I had a wife that loved me like no one ever had before but seeing how quickly and easily she walked away from me showed me that my marriage was one huge lie. When you love someone unconditionally you don't let anyone, not even your family step in and destroy your marriage. Especially when they tell you they're going to do it.

God tells us that when two people get married they become one. That is supposed to matter even if your family is stepping into to break it up. Marriage is a bond that only God is supposed to break if it's meant to be broken. But when you turn heel and run at the first sign of adversity that shows that your love for your spouse isn't unconditional. The moment life gets hard you quit. You left. You ran. You crushed me. I would have never done that to you.

I'll never get the answers to the questions I seek from her about why she left me the way she did and about how she can live with herself doing that to me. How can anyone be so cold? So hateful? Yet, through it all I still love her. Yet through it all I defended her several times to folks and yet it don't matter.

I know God leads us through circumstances, most of which are often painful, because there are lessons to be learned and it's the only way for us to get from one place to another so we end up where he wants us to be. That doesn't make it any easier. I just have no idea what I'm doing and where any of this life is going. I know my thoughts are all over the place but that's where I am for now and have been since last night.

I'm just extremely broken and have no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. How am I going to be in a good place again where I can live a life pleasing to God but also good for myself? Good for my children? Sigh...

Depression Hurts

Depression hurts!! It is a silent killer and unless someone else has dealt with it they cannot understand how debilitating it is. It makes waking up in the morning a total nightmare. The struggle to want to go to sleep and never wake up again is real. There is no hope for someone like me. The world has given up on me and for good reason. I haven’t accomplished anything of value in this world and I serve no purpose. I just exist. There’s nothing worse than knowing you exist and serve no purpose and that nobody values you in their life. There are no words to describe that pain. I’m a warm body who wishes I was cold. Sigh. It’s my life.

I Hate Guns

The title says it all. I hate guns. I wish guns didn't exist. I'm sick and tired of all the gun violence in this country and people don't do anything about. Most mass shootings can be prevented by obeying the warning signs. But nope, instead of obeying the warning signs people just ignore them and then let the mass shooting happen and afterwards it's "my thoughts and prayers" and yet again nothing ever changes. It's totally ridiculous. Other countries don't have this kind of gun problem that we do in this country and yet somehow I'm wrong for wanting to do something to limit gun violence in this country? Sure, Jan!

Pro gun folks always say things like "responsible gun owners should have the opportunity to protect themselves from bad guys." But how many times does that actually play out? How many times does good guy with a gun stop bad guy with a gun? Most cases end up like what happened in Buffalo at that grocery store when good guy with a gun got shot and killed before he could react and stop bad guy with a gun. That's the way most of these things go. They happen so fast that the good guy with a gun doesn't stand a chance in hell.

Or you get a situation like what happened at that Texas school with all those good guys with guns did nothing while the bad guy with a gun shot up the school. Yeah, that's really nice. I envy the people that live in places like Canada and England that don't fear living their life cause they might get shot by just living. I'll never understand why people love guns so much. Just stop with the gun violence or at least lower it. But nope, thoughts and prayers is all we can do until the next mass shooting happens. Selah!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and I'm just so freaking bitter. I'm angry. I'm beyond angry. Mother's Day for me has been ruined. Sure, I still have my own mom and thankfully cause I'd definitely be up a creek without her. But today should have also been a day to celebrate my wife and the mother of my children and instead she's now my ex-wife and just my baby momma. Ugh. So it makes me bitter, especially since I know come Father's Day not a damn thing will be done for me. No special day. How do I know this? Because my birthday came and went and it was treated like just another day. Nothing special happened. So yeah, I'm angry, I'm beyond pissed and bitter and everything else because I'm selfish and if I don't care about me then who will? Nobody else does so...

This song sums up the way I feel about life today and most days for that matter.

I'm So Lost

I don't even know where to begin. My head, my heart, my soul, my faith, my trust, my belief is all over the place these days. Pretty much I'm living a nightmare every day and I have no idea when this nightmare will be over and what will happen in the end. I live everyday in fear and most people just don't give a damn and that sucks. So many have turned on me and sigh... It really is true that people love to kick you when you're down.

Seriously, forgiveness and understanding is nowhere to be found. It's amazing that people can know me so well and still think I did something I didn't do or that I had some kind of evil intentions. That's the part that just blows me away the most. I guess I'm just a rare person in that I'm loyal to people even if that loyalty isn't returned to me. So, there's nothing more I can say I guess.

Seek The Kingdom Of God

What does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God? I honestly have no clue!! Matthew 6: 31-33 tells us to seek the kingdom of God and all our needs will be taken care of.

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

~~~Matthew 6: 31-33

I have such a difficult time with this because God isn't physical. God is spiritual and I struggle greatly to even begin to comprehend that. I do not even know where to begin to get an understanding of the difference between being a physical begin and being a spiritual being.

People have told me countless times that all the things I seek in life will be satisfied if I just pursue God and trust him. That if I just let go of everything I seek and turn it over to God I will be fulfilled. How? How in the world does that even work? How can a spiritual God fulfill my physical human needs and desires? How can I possibly get the love, peace, strength, wisdow, comfort, and everything else I desire from a spiritual God when I cannot even figure out how to seperate myself from my physical needs and desires? It doesn't make any sense to me that God can do that because God isn't a physical God. He is a spiritual God. I'm never going to be able to go to God and get a hug or a pat on the back or hear I love you or good job or anything else from him. It's just not going to happen in a physical sense. It all happens in a spiritual sense.

Nothing more would please me than to reach that place of understanding where I have that peace, love, comfort, strength, wisdow, and everything else that comes from having a relationship with God and trusting him and knowing full well that he truly does satisfy and fulfill every single need and desire I have on this earth. That no matter how hard it is to not have the physical needs and desires met that I am still ok because my soul is taken care of. I would love to be able to sing it is well with my soul and truly mean it because I have finally obtained the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I guess I should be thankful that somewhere within me I've got this desire to keep seeking and trying to find answers and ultimately reach that place where one day I can live the life that God has promised me.