Random Thoughts

I had a long difficult night last night when so many long depressing thoughts flooded my brain all night. So many different random things about my past and why I'm the total screw up that I am. I've made so many mistakes but where has it gotten me? Only into a world of hurt.

Looking at old pictures that pop up on my phone of the life I used to have is so crushing, especially when I think about how good I thought my life was. I thought I had a wife that loved me like no one ever had before but seeing how quickly and easily she walked away from me showed me that my marriage was one huge lie. When you love someone unconditionally you don't let anyone, not even your family step in and destroy your marriage. Especially when they tell you they're going to do it.

God tells us that when two people get married they become one. That is supposed to matter even if your family is stepping into to break it up. Marriage is a bond that only God is supposed to break if it's meant to be broken. But when you turn heel and run at the first sign of adversity that shows that your love for your spouse isn't unconditional. The moment life gets hard you quit. You left. You ran. You crushed me. I would have never done that to you.

I'll never get the answers to the questions I seek from her about why she left me the way she did and about how she can live with herself doing that to me. How can anyone be so cold? So hateful? Yet, through it all I still love her. Yet through it all I defended her several times to folks and yet it don't matter.

I know God leads us through circumstances, most of which are often painful, because there are lessons to be learned and it's the only way for us to get from one place to another so we end up where he wants us to be. That doesn't make it any easier. I just have no idea what I'm doing and where any of this life is going. I know my thoughts are all over the place but that's where I am for now and have been since last night.

I'm just extremely broken and have no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there. How am I going to be in a good place again where I can live a life pleasing to God but also good for myself? Good for my children? Sigh...