Depression Hurts

Depression hurts!! It is a silent killer and unless someone else has dealt with it they cannot understand how debilitating it is. It makes waking up in the morning a total nightmare. The struggle to want to go to sleep and never wake up again is real. There is no hope for someone like me. The world has given up on me and for good reason. I haven’t accomplished anything of value in this world and I serve no purpose. I just exist. There’s nothing worse than knowing you exist and serve no purpose and that nobody values you in their life. There are no words to describe that pain. I’m a warm body who wishes I was cold. Sigh. It’s my life.

I Hate Guns

The title says it all. I hate guns. I wish guns didn't exist. I'm sick and tired of all the gun violence in this country and people don't do anything about. Most mass shootings can be prevented by obeying the warning signs. But nope, instead of obeying the warning signs people just ignore them and then let the mass shooting happen and afterwards it's "my thoughts and prayers" and yet again nothing ever changes. It's totally ridiculous. Other countries don't have this kind of gun problem that we do in this country and yet somehow I'm wrong for wanting to do something to limit gun violence in this country? Sure, Jan!

Pro gun folks always say things like "responsible gun owners should have the opportunity to protect themselves from bad guys." But how many times does that actually play out? How many times does good guy with a gun stop bad guy with a gun? Most cases end up like what happened in Buffalo at that grocery store when good guy with a gun got shot and killed before he could react and stop bad guy with a gun. That's the way most of these things go. They happen so fast that the good guy with a gun doesn't stand a chance in hell.

Or you get a situation like what happened at that Texas school with all those good guys with guns did nothing while the bad guy with a gun shot up the school. Yeah, that's really nice. I envy the people that live in places like Canada and England that don't fear living their life cause they might get shot by just living. I'll never understand why people love guns so much. Just stop with the gun violence or at least lower it. But nope, thoughts and prayers is all we can do until the next mass shooting happens. Selah!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and I'm just so freaking bitter. I'm angry. I'm beyond angry. Mother's Day for me has been ruined. Sure, I still have my own mom and thankfully cause I'd definitely be up a creek without her. But today should have also been a day to celebrate my wife and the mother of my children and instead she's now my ex-wife and just my baby momma. Ugh. So it makes me bitter, especially since I know come Father's Day not a damn thing will be done for me. No special day. How do I know this? Because my birthday came and went and it was treated like just another day. Nothing special happened. So yeah, I'm angry, I'm beyond pissed and bitter and everything else because I'm selfish and if I don't care about me then who will? Nobody else does so...

This song sums up the way I feel about life today and most days for that matter.

I'm So Lost

I don't even know where to begin. My head, my heart, my soul, my faith, my trust, my belief is all over the place these days. Pretty much I'm living a nightmare every day and I have no idea when this nightmare will be over and what will happen in the end. I live everyday in fear and most people just don't give a damn and that sucks. So many have turned on me and sigh... It really is true that people love to kick you when you're down.

Seriously, forgiveness and understanding is nowhere to be found. It's amazing that people can know me so well and still think I did something I didn't do or that I had some kind of evil intentions. That's the part that just blows me away the most. I guess I'm just a rare person in that I'm loyal to people even if that loyalty isn't returned to me. So, there's nothing more I can say I guess.

Seek The Kingdom Of God

What does it mean to seek the Kingdom of God? I honestly have no clue!! Matthew 6: 31-33 tells us to seek the kingdom of God and all our needs will be taken care of.

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

~~~Matthew 6: 31-33

I have such a difficult time with this because God isn't physical. God is spiritual and I struggle greatly to even begin to comprehend that. I do not even know where to begin to get an understanding of the difference between being a physical begin and being a spiritual being.

People have told me countless times that all the things I seek in life will be satisfied if I just pursue God and trust him. That if I just let go of everything I seek and turn it over to God I will be fulfilled. How? How in the world does that even work? How can a spiritual God fulfill my physical human needs and desires? How can I possibly get the love, peace, strength, wisdow, comfort, and everything else I desire from a spiritual God when I cannot even figure out how to seperate myself from my physical needs and desires? It doesn't make any sense to me that God can do that because God isn't a physical God. He is a spiritual God. I'm never going to be able to go to God and get a hug or a pat on the back or hear I love you or good job or anything else from him. It's just not going to happen in a physical sense. It all happens in a spiritual sense.

Nothing more would please me than to reach that place of understanding where I have that peace, love, comfort, strength, wisdow, and everything else that comes from having a relationship with God and trusting him and knowing full well that he truly does satisfy and fulfill every single need and desire I have on this earth. That no matter how hard it is to not have the physical needs and desires met that I am still ok because my soul is taken care of. I would love to be able to sing it is well with my soul and truly mean it because I have finally obtained the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I guess I should be thankful that somewhere within me I've got this desire to keep seeking and trying to find answers and ultimately reach that place where one day I can live the life that God has promised me.

Coming Clean

In my last post I explained that I finally realize what it means to fully surrender but I didn't give a battle plan on how to fully surrender. As I said previously, to fully surrender you must first come clean of any deep dark secrets that may be haunting you. Those chains of past hurts, mistakes, decisions we've done, both intentionally and unintentionally.

So here it is, I'm finally coming clean. As a child I was sexually abused. There's no need for details because it's all in God's hands now, but I have never told that to anyone before expect a couple of very close and important people that have truly shown me what it means for God to love us unconditionally. Sadly my story doesn't end there, a few years after this happened to me I in turn did the same thing to a couple of younger kids. I was just curious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. My thinking of right from wrong had been warped to believe that this was a natural part of growing up. That those older than you look and touch you because they're curious and then you in turn pass that along. But I realize that is not right. It's wrong and I have lived in fear of ever admitting that to anyone. I've lived in my own prison for nearly 20 years.

I have tried many times in the past to surrender my life to Christ but I was never fully surrendering because I refused to give up these chains of my past because I never wanted to admit that they happened. I lived a life of denial. I closed off that part of my life from anyone including myself, but most importantly God. It is now out in the open and I now fully surrender my life to Christ. I have asked for forgiveness and mercy on my soul.

You now know my life story, the question now is what will you do with it? Will you love me or hate me? That decision is yours. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and let go of it. God has set me free from these chains. For the first time in my life I finally have freedom. Praise God that Jesus died so we don't have to live with chains like this. That we can finally have a real life. I've finally got a peace that I have longed denied myself because I let fear control me. But when you allow God to put the right people in your life to lead you to freedom and you trust Him anything is possible! I trust you Lord!

What Does It Mean To Fully Surrender?

First off, before I even start with this post, I need to issue an apology to all of those that I have offended in recent weeks for some of the things  I have said regarding God. I know I have offended many even if only a few have had the courage to actually tell me. I do sincerely apologize for that. My intentions were certainly not to offend.

Now that we've got that out of the way, onto our regularly scheduled program. What does it mean to fully surrender? That's a question I've been wrestling with for a long time, especially when so many ask me if I've done that. I become frustrated by it and take offense to it.

Of course I've fully surrendered my life to God I say. Why else do I go to church and claim to be a believer and follower of God? But when you take the time to finally hash out what fully surrender looks like, when your friend Seth keeps you standing in the parking lot for over an hour after church, then you get to learn that maybe I've never fully surrender my life to Christ.

People are like onions, each layer needs to be peeled back to get to the root of who that person really is. Sometimes peeling away those layers is uncomfortable and painful. Opening up and making yourself vulnerable to people isn't easy, but it's a necessary process if we are to grow and become the person God wants us to be. We have to be willing to open up our true self to our brothers and sisters in Christ. That's the only way to grow in our personal relationship to God.  As long as we hold onto our deep dark secrets we will never fully surrender our life to God.

Now that I know what it means to fully surrender, I need to do it. Knowing is only half the battle. The other half is actually living that out. Choosing to fully surrender, knowing that I have made myself available for God to use me to do his work.

An old wise man once said, in order to find yourself you must first lose yourself. That wise man was Wilson from Home Improvement. LOL! Sorry but I just had to throw that in for a laugh. I've always been a big Tim Allen fan. But in all seriousness, Jesus tells us that very thing in Matthew 16:24-26.

Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

~~~Matthew 16: 24-26

That rings true to us today. We need to take up our cross daily and make God the center focus of our life. That is what it means to fully surrender. I need to do that. I need to allow God in. I need to make myself vulnerable to the group of people that God has surrounded me with. Let God use them to make me the man he wants me to be and that starts now.